Sukhothai Massage

The historic area of Sukhothai is quite beautiful. It’s a great pIace to experience Siamese culture as it has been for many centuries. One thing Sukhothai does not have is a thriving nightlife.

When one visits Bangkok, Chiang Mai, Phuket or Pattaya, there is so much to do. You do not have to participate in naughtiness to be entertained by the people and sites on Pattaya’s Walking Street, for example. Thailand’s more modern places boast plenty of bars, dance clubs, movie theaters and shopping.

Sukhothai is a lot quieter at night. There are some bars, but there is no movie theater or shopping. There was a small beer festival with food, drink and some music not too far from the hotel, but after thirty or so minutes it lost its luster.
Since I had some free time, I decided to get an oil massage. I thought it would be a nice way to relax from a day of walking and riding around on a moped.

Oil massages have the reputation for being “naughty” massages. In certain areas, especially around Sukhumvit Road (where there are a lot of tourists), the reputation is well earned. In many more massage shops, however, that kind of behavior does not go on.

There was a massage shop right next to my hotel, so I decided to give it a try. When I walked in, I was greeted by a rather short and heavy woman munching on a bag of fish balls. Contrary to any rumors to the contrary, fish balls are not the swollen testicles of large fish. Fish balls are like a sausage made out of fish. They have the same color and texture of a white bratwurst, but are shaped like meat balls.

I should have known something was wrong when I explained that I wanted a massage, and the lady seemed more intent on popping the fish balls into her mouth rather than helping me. I was also a bit concerned about her size. She was probably 5’0 or 5’1, and she had to tip the scales at over 225 lbs. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t concerned that she wasn’t thin and beautiful, but rather that her size would actually cause problems. For example, when you are lying on your stomach, some masseuses will straddle your thigh to massage your back. Masseuses here will often use their weight to put pressure during the massage. I put aside those concerns and thought that this woman was obviously not here because she turned heads to bring in customers. Maybe the reason that she was working at this shop is that she was very good.

So I follow the lady into a room in the back of the shop, where there was a matt on the floor. The setups on massage shops vary so much that this wasn’t really a big concern. Some places, especially spas, have very nice massage tables with an opening where you rest your face. Others have tables with a mattress on them, while others like this one have a mattress on the floor.

I stripped down and lay on my stomach. Another lady walked in for a minute or two to help adjust the air conditioning. Almost immediately after the massage started, I knew that this was not going to be a good experience. The first thing was how she applied the oil. Instead of putting it on her hand first, like every other masseuse does, she squirted it on my back. I thought I was in a bad gay porno for a second.

Most masseuses would kneel next to the mattress, start massaging from the legs up or the back down. Instead, this masseuse sits next to me, and leans on me during most of the massage. She used one hand to rub the oil around like she was waxing a car. I’m not sure what she was doing with the other hand, perhaps her friend had brought her another bag of fish balls, or maybe she was using it to support herself.
I was surprised that less than ten minutes into the massage, she have moved from the back and down to my legs. I soon realized that instead of a moving systematically from one set of muscles to the next, that she moved back and forth several times. It was like a kid with ADD after too much sugar and not a lot of sleep; back, legs, back, legs, legs, legs, back.

If a complete lack of technique wasn’t bad enough, she hurt me several times during the massage. I’m not talking about the expected hurt when the masseuse squeezes a muscle a bit too hard for my liking. Some people like a firm massage and that is really the foundation of the more traditional Thai massage. If someone is too firm, I just politely tell them I prefer it softer. That is usually all it takes. Afterwards, most will ask you then “jep mai?” (Does it hurt?)

This lady wasn’t causing me pain because she was giving me a firm massage; rather it was due to her clumsiness. At one point she moved off her bottom, and kneeled next to me. Rather that is what she intended. Instead she partially kneeled on my thigh, pinching it against the ground. This hurt, and not in a good way. She bumped me painfully a few more times during the massage.

At one point, she put her foot up against my privates. It was only there for a few seconds, and I’m not quite sure of the purpose. I suspect that it was not to excite me, rather she was moving her leg to be comfortable and that’s where it ended up. She did move it before I had to say anything. A few other times her hands were a bit too close to the mark. I’m nearly certain that this was a 100% legitimate massage shop where no funny business goes on. My experience is that masseuse who work in such legitimate shops are careful not to touch your privates. “Casually” brushing one’s privates is one of the ways dirty massage shops indicate the extra service is available.

About half way through the massage, the other lady returns and starts talking to me in Thai. Sometimes I don't mind talking during a massage, but I wasn't having a very great time, I could only understand part of what she was saying, and this lady did not even need to be in the room. She kept asking me questions, and after a few minutes started to piss me off. I finally was fed up enough with talking to her that I put on both ear buds and ignored her.

So finally, after ninety minutes or so, the massage was done. I had considered leaving during the first ten or fifteen minutes, but made the decision at that point that I was paying for a story rather than paying for a good massage. So as I go to get dressed, the lady just stands there looking at me. Most of the time they give you a little privacy to change, but I guess she was eating fish balls during that part of massage school as well. I start to walk to the front of the shop where I intended to pay her. That’s the way it’s structured in most places I’ve been. They have someone collect the money as you leave.

Before I opened the door separating to the front of the shop, the lady says something to get my attention. She then thrusts her and out palms up waiting to get paid. I've bought a lot of things in Thailand before, and never had someone stick their hand out for money. It is incredibly rude, but not at all surprising for this lady. The price was about $16, which I paid. Normally, I would tip $5 or even $10. The reason is that the lady only gets about half of the price; the other part goes to the house. Not this time. I paid her the fee and not a baht more. She was not only bad at giving massages, but she was rude and inconsiderate.

I decided to try my luck a second time the next night. This time I found a place about ten minutes from my hotel. I had to wait ten or so minutes for the masseuse to show up. Things started promising, as this lady seemed to be a professional (not that kind of professional).

It didn’t take long before my hopes were once again dashed. Unfortunately, things soon took a turn for the worst. I was lying on my stomach and she was massaging my inner and outer thighs when I felt a pain. She was scratching my inner thigh with her fingernails. It hurt, and I politely told her so. I explained what hurt. She apologized and continued. About ten minutes later, she did it again on the other leg.

At that point I'd had enough. I got up, got dressed, paid her and left. She was actually probably better than the lady from the night before, but by then I really didn’t want to lie there for another hour in order to get another story of a bad massage.

I finally found a nice massage place on my last day in Sukhothai. Just outside the Sukhothai Historic Ruins was a small restaurant which also offered massages. Don’t worry the masseuse and the people who work in the restaurant are not cross functional. The lady there was really very good. So I guess my massage had a happy ending. Well, not that kind of happy ending.