Erection Irregularities

No, I am not providing an insight into my personal life or mocking Asians for their free substitution of "r"s and "l"s. I'm referring to the article in this morning's Bangkok Post on voter fraud.

As you may know, vote buying is a tradition here in Thailand. While it is illegal, it is widely practiced and even expected in some areas. Now there is a new twist. Instead of paying cash for votes as is the normal practice, one party is accused of providing viagra to older voters in order to win their votes.

The headlines could have been:

- Competition Stiffens for Election
- More Voters Able to Work on Poles
- Election Season Lengthens In North
- New Rules Hard On Voter Fraud
- New Rules Prick at Voter Consciences
- Party Hoping for Morning Glory on Election Day

My Voice

Today I had the chance to do something that was a lot of fun. As regular readers know, my wife and her brother are the owners and operators of the Bangkok Bus Terminal, the official government bus terminal for all tour buses that go to the south of Thailand.


Not only does the terminal handle the ticketing, arrival and departure of buses to the south, but it has over three hundred retail stores. So in affect, Tim and Top are managing a combination bus station and plaza. (As a side note, what we call "malls" in America are referred to as "plazas" in Thailand due to some copyright or trademark issue.) During the peak seasons, they will have up to 80,000 people per day going through the station. The overwhelming majority are Thai citizens, but their are a sprinkling of foreign tourists, expats, and falang "johns" escorting their Thai "girlfriends".


Even though 99%+ of the people at the terminal speak Thai, they still do a lot of things in both Thai and English. The signs for the ticketing booth are in both Thai and English (or will be soon, they had to redo them). The same goes for announcements over the PA system. There is a certain "status" afforded to things in English. Its almost as if you are "big time" if you have things in English and Thai.

Tim needed someone to record four or five announcements for the bus terminal in English. These ranged from explaining access to and the location of the safety zone (where you board the bus) to advertising the shopping zones available. She asked me to do it for her.

Now you might bet thinking now, "How sweet, Tim is so enamoured with the sound of Brian's voice that she wants to hear it all day long at work." Unfortunately Tim's reason for selecting me was not so she could sit around her office starry eyed waiting to hear my next utterance. My two qualifications were that I spoke English and would work for free. Hiring a professional to do the recordings in English costs between 6,000 and 10,000 baht (~$175 - 275), so by having me do it, they save some money.

I have never done any professional recordings before. This past year I did have the experience of hearing my voice played back for me. My friend Alachia featured a story that I had written on her podcast wowcast. I read the story for the show. After listening to it, I asked her if that was how I normally sounded. She answered in the affirmative.

We arrived at the recording studio this morning at 10:30. After taking a few pictures with Jacob's Flat Stanley we began. I sat in a sound-proof booth and read my five announcements. I nailed one or two of them on the first try, while a few others took three or so takes.

The technicians coached me a bit after I did my first test reading. They encouraged me to project my voice, slow down a bit and read with a bit more feeling. While we were recording, they told Tim that I had a nice voice, but that I obviously did not know all the tricks of a professional.

Overall it was a fun experience. I have to say, it would be a great gig if you could get it. Professionals do pretty well for an hour or so of work. They told Tim that there are about ten people who record in English in their studio and that they would keep my voice on file. When a customer wants to record something, they play a clip of the different "talent" available. I have no delusions that anyone will want to hire me.

Its pretty neat to be the English voice of the Bangkok Bus Terminal. I mean, who would want to be heard by up to 80,000 people a day, even if most of them don't understand a word that I'm saying.

Power Cord Woes

This morning I woke up and saw a yellow flashing light in my bedroom. My wife was sleeping on her side between the light and I, so at first my sleep muddled brain thought that she was turning off and on the light on the alarm clock.

When I heard the static buzz and smelled the burnt plastic, however, I realized something was amiss. Tim woke up, I turned on the lights and she pulled the cord of of the wall. Only one prong came out, and the plug head was melted in a few spots. I traced the plug right to my laptop, which I typically leave on at night when I'm downloading from usenet. My laptop was fine but the power cord was not.

This is the second laptop power cord I've lost here. The first was a result of the wire getting twisted as I frequently moved it around.

So, my wife is going to send the driver to get another power cord. She is sending the current one with him and telling him exactly where to go. Hopefully he won't end up with a telephone cord instead.

Wish me luck.

Flat Stanley Has Arrived!

Attached are scanned images of Jacob's two Flat Stanleys. I've also included them in the original blog.

Remember, if you can:

1. Print one of the two Stanley's below.


2. Take him around some of the notable spots in your area of the world and take pictures of him there. We would also love pictures of him with you and any family and friends you would like to share the experience with.


3. Email the pictures to me at edwardbrianvogel@yahoo.com before January 7th.


4. After I get all the pictures, I'll post them on the site.

Please click on the images below to go to the page with the correct sized images. Blogspot changed the jpeg size when I uploaded them.

Flat Stanley

Jacob's second grade class at ISB is participating in the Flat Stanley Project ("FSP") this year. I'm actually pretty excited about this.

Flat Stanley is a story about the adventures of Stanley, a young boy who is smashed flat (but otherwise unhurt) when bulletin board falls on him while he slept. At one point in the story, Stanley's family places him in an envelope and mails him to visit friends in another state. Lest you be appalled that their actions were abuse, take comfort in the fact that they packed him a sandwich.

I believe the FSP was started to help promote literacy, as well as sell books (sorry, couldn't entirely suppress my cynicism). Here is how FSP works. Students read the Flat Stanley book, and then make their own paper doll Flat Stanley. They mail their Stanley to friends, family members or even students at another school. The recipients then take Flat Stanley with them, and take pictures of Flat Stanley with friends and family, in notable places, and with notable people. At the end of his stay, they mail Flat Stanley back along with any pictures and stories.

FSP has really gotten quite big. There is a web site where students around the world can upload pictures. There are pictures of Flat Stanley with world leaders (including at least two U.S. presidents) as well as on a space shuttle mission.

Flat Stanley is near and dear to my heart for a couple of reasons. Thirty-two years ago, I read Flat Stanley as a second-grader at St. Philip Elementary in Melbourne, Kentucky. Its one of the first books I remember reading.

My affection for the FSP also stems from the fact that our family has hosted a Flat Stanley. Three years ago, my niece Pim was a second grade student at ISB, and sent her Flat Stanley to visit us in the U.S. We had a lot of fun with Stanley and took a lot of pictures. I sent a few of those pictures to school with Jacob, and his teach sent me a note asking if I had more, as the children all enjoyed seeing them so much.

Now, dear reader, I am asking for your help. I'd really like to have Jacob's Flat Stanley get his picture taken in as many places and with as many people as possible. I would love to have each of you take pictures with Stanley. The problem is that he has made only two Stanley's, one that will vacation with us over the holidays, and one that will soon visit parents. Stanley cannot be in more than two places at once, or can he.

I've decided to scan in images of Jacob's Flat Stanley and post them all over my site and blog. I am humbly asking each reader to do the following:

1. Download and print a color copy of one of the two of Jacob's Flat Stanleys below.
   
2. Cut out the Flat Stanley to make a "paper doll".


3. Take pictures of Flat Stanley with yourself, family, friends and in interesting places around your area. If you go on a trip, fold him up, take him with you and snap a few photos.


4. Send the pictures to me at edwardbrianvogel@yahoo.com by January 7th, 2008.
   

I don't want anyone to have to put a lot of effort into this. Stanley is pretty small, so he is easy to carry around. But I have friends all over the U.S. and indeed in different parts of the world, so it would be really cool to see Stanley in NYC, Cincinnati, Chicago, England, etc.

Please click on the images below to navigate to the page with the correct sized Flat Stanley images. Blogspot changes the jpeg size during uploading.

Funny News

I usually check out cnn.com for news. There were a couple of articles that I found amusing this morning.

CNN often preface a news story with "Ticker:". For example, Ticker: Bill XYZ Passed in Senate. This morning they had:

Ticker: Cheney to Undgergo Heart Procedure

... aside from the seriousness of the issue, I found the headline very funny. What is next:

• Boobs: Pamela Anderson Receives Breast Implants
• Noggin: Manning Receives Concussion
• Tallywacker: Joey Buttafucko to Star in Reality Series
  

There was also an article about a "stubbly-faced" Iraqi insurgent trying to sneak across the border dressed as a bride. His picture is in the article found here.

Dammit, that would be one ugly woman. There aren't a whole lot of guys on earth who would finish second in a beauty contest to beloved M.A.S.H. character Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger, but I think we just found one.

I have to believe that this guy's "groom" was secretly relieved that they were caught. Can you just imagine him sitting around the insurgent camp fire with his buddies mocking him because people believed he had married the ugliest woman in the world?

Driving Me Crazy!

I noticed that a fair bit of my blog involves complaining about our drivers. By now, its evident that the third time is not always a charm, and your good friend Samnerk will soon be parting company with us. I've written about our drivers so much, I was half-thinking of changing the name of the blog to something like:

1. Driving Us Crazy
2. Samnerk the Jerk
3. Dufus the Driver
4. My Stupid Thai Driver
5. Life in the Dumb Lane
6. Throng Bai Dammit! (throng bai is go straight in Thai)
7. Wrong Turns
8. Of Course I Know How to Get There, I Thought You Might Like to Ride Around in Congested Traffic for an Extra 20 Minutes.
9. The Daze of His Life
   

So there have been a few more things that have happened that have convinced Tim and I that we need to find a replacement. Saturday night, our driver parked our new van in front of our house. The van is an automatic, and unbeknown to Tim, he left it in drive with the hand brake not set. On Sunday morning Aleena was getting in the side door, and Tim put the key into the ignition to turn on the AC. Tim expected the car to be in neutral, and it lurched forward, causing Aleena to fall forward. Fortunately she was not hurt.

Today Tim asked him why he had left it in drive. He really didn't have an explanation, only saying that he didn't think she could drive it, so it wouldn't be an issue.

Right now our van is very basic. We are having some upgrades performed when we go on our Hong Kong trip, including putting in a tv and dvd player, an upgraded suspension, and perhaps a stereo system.

We did not find it necessary to run our plans past our dear driver. So when he inspected the van, he informed Tim that there were problems with it. He told her that she needed to change the cloth seats because they were harder to clean. Our driver also voiced his displeasure at the lack of a radio in the car. He has obviously doesn't know when to just keep his mouth shut.

Now at this point, perhaps you think I am a cruel falang who is mocking the intelligence of an but warm and kind Thai man because largely because he doesn't speak English. Could I be an ugly American, not realizing the irony in mocking someone for not speaking my language, when I in fact speak so little of his language?

An ugly American I may be, but not because of my discourse on our dear driver. Most of the problems that we have had with him do not involve the language barrier. There have been some to be sure, but I usually do not write about them and really do understand that while they are frustrating, that they are in part my fault as well. Most if the problems have nothing to do with language. Tim speaks Thai fluently, and she still has a lot of problems with him.

"So Brian", you say, "maybe he's not the brightest guy in the world, and maybe he even screws up driving, but he's nice right?" My response to your question is to continue reading and be the judge.

Tim was talking to Cat (our nanny) about the driver. Cat told Tim that she didn't care for him. Apparently, a week ago, he started talking to her about money. He asked her how long she had been here and how much she made. She politely declined to reveal her salary. Our driver then asked her to borrow some money. The money, while not an enormous amount by U.S. standards, was equivalent to a week of her salary. When she politely said that she didn't have any money, did our dear friend shake his head in understanding and thank her anyway? No, instead he challenged her assertion that she didn't have money. "You are single, how can you not have money?” he said. He was clearly displeased that she did not lend him the money. He asked Tim to borrow the amount a few days later, and she agreed.

As a side, most Thai maids and nannies are from poorer parts of the country. While their salaries are fairly low, the come to Bangkok because they make more money here than back home. .These women demonstrate an amazing ability to save the money. They have few expenses here, and most send the bulk of their salary back to their families. So while Cat doesn't have a lot of expenses, the money she does earn goes to help care for her sick father and other family members.

Let me regale you with another story of the friend we are discussing. One of the sad facts about Thailand is that poverty is so rampant, and affects children as well as adults. To help earn money, children will often walk between cars at red lights selling flowers, food, or some crafted item. They will often go up to a car with their
hands together pressed against lips as if in prayer with a pleading look on their faces. It is an incredibly sad sight. It's very hard not to feel enormous empathy for these children.

This past week, one such boy about ten years old and his younger brother approached Tim's car selling grasshopper dolls crafted out of coconut leaves for about sixty cents. Tim rolled down the window and bought some. Now, at this point, a smart driver might have kept his opinions to himself. But as we have established, our driver is not smart. He told Tim that he didn't like those children coming up to the cars and selling things. Now, had he left it at that, one might attribute his dislike of this behavior to the fact that the children could get hurt or that lazy adults were using the children. It would certainly be very understandable if he didn't like it because the pleading faces were too painful to look at.

Well, dear reader, we do not have to resort to telepathy (or for you Potter fans, oculomancy) to derive his motivation. No, he explained himself to Tim very clearly. Our driver had just cleaned the car, and when the child pressed his face against it, it left a mark on the window that he would need to wipe off. Our driver has not happy that this child, who was risking injuring walking through traffic, had put a nose print on Tim's car, and that he would have to pull out a cloth and spend a few seconds wiping it off.

I think when he told Tim that, any reluctance that she might have had about firing him vanished into the ether. Firing someone is never pleasant, and particularly if it might cause them some financial hardship. It is a lot easier, however, to push those concerns aside when dealing with someone who, when looking at a pleading child, can only think of the extra thirty seconds of work that it cost him. It is even easier when he has virtually nothing else to do for the majority of the day.

So Tim called an agency and is looking for someone new. As always, I'll keep you updated.

Skin

Our nanny Cat and our maid Jipp have dark skin. A few days ago, our three year old daughter Aleena, not familiar with the impact of the pigment melanin on skin color, asked each why they had rubbed chocolate all over their skin. They both laughed and told the story to my wife, who in turn told me.

My daughter's made me start thinking about skin color here in Thailand. Thai's have a wide variety of natural skin tones. Some Thai's have skin that is dark brown, while others have light skin. The color difference can be made even greater depending on whether an individual spends a lot time in the sun.

Unlike many Americans who seek to darken their skin through tanning booths and extended sun exposures, Thai's generally prefer to have lighter skin color. I can't recall seeing a Thai person laying out sunning themselves. They often wear longer clothing to avoid the sun.

I think there are a few reasons for this. First, the preference is in part based on perceived social and economic status. Farmers and manual laborers, the bulk of the Thai workforce for certain, spend a lot of time in the sun and usually have dark skin. Their middle and upper class office dwelling brethern, however, receive much less sun exposure, and so are lighter skinned. Class status is very important here, so noone wants to look like they belong to a class below their own.

Perhaps another reason involves the western concepts of beauty. Thai's are bombarded with western ideals of beauty on TV, billboards and movies. While Thai's are fiercely nationalistic, their is also a part of them that seeks to imitate the west. Perhaps they seek to imitate the lighter skin beauties they see from the west. My uneducated guess is that this dates back to King Rama V and Rama VI embracing western ideas and culture.

The Thai love of western beauty is also evident in their view of half-Thai children. Thai's think that children with one Thai and one falang parent are generally beautiful. Before we were married, Tim and I were told that our children would be beautiful. Now we often hear how beautiful Jacob, Nalin and Aleena look. Thai's sometimes touch them as they walk by. We are not alone. A Thai friend of mine who also married an American, was told by her Thai family how they would have beautiful kids. As she has yet to oblige her family and bear children yet, I cannot speak to the veracity of their claims in her case. :D

Christmas Vacation

The holidays have always been about spending time with family. As children, we'd always have Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with our grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. This tradition continued even after my siblings and I were married and started our own families.

In my thirty-nine years, I think there was one Christmas that I didn't spend with my parents and siblings. That was the year when Tim and I were married, and spent six weeks here in Thailand. This year, we'll be away from our family in the states.

Since we can't be with family, we decided to travel this holiday season. Tim and I debated going to Japan for Christmas, but we got a late start with planning. We've decided to postpone that trip until April.

Instead, we are going to spend Christmas in Hong Kong. Hong Kong is about a two and a half hour flight from Bangkok. Our flight arrives on December 23rd, and returns on the 30th. We will spend Christmas day at Hong Kong Disney. Our neighbors here have an apartment in Hong Kong and are letting us stay there. There place is in Discovery Bay, on Lantau Island.

We are currently putting together our itenerary. When we have it all hammered out, I'll post it. I'm really looking forward to Hong Kong, as it has some great sights, a lot for the kids to do, and excellent shopping. I'm looking forward to picking up some lenses and accessories for my camera.

New Van & More Stupid Driver Tales

We bought a new van this week. Its more of a cargo type van than a mini-van. It currently seats fourteen, but we are going to have some work done on it. We are going to have a few seats removed, a suspension upgrade, and an entertainment system added.

Our driver continues to aggrevate the hell out of Tim and I. If our driver was on a Thai version of the gameshow Jeapordy against a blind skunk and a steaming sack of horse shit, I'm not saying I wouldn't bet on him to win. I will say though, that I wouldn't bet all my money on him to win.

Its almost comical that a man who makes his living driving frequently doesn't know where he is going. The fact that he is too proud to admit he doesn't drains most of the humor out of it. This isn't like the U.S. where if you miss a turn you can easily turn around. Here, most of the roads are divided. If you miss a turn, you might have to drive a couple of kilometers until you come to a designated U-turn. When Tim offers guidance (like "go straight here"), he starts to argue or ignore her, so she'll have to repeat herself. Let me tell you, her tone leaves no doubt about how much she likes that. Its funny because while I only understand some of the words, I always understand the conversation.

Today he managed to piss me off a couple of times. I was installing Aleena's car seat in the van. I had to adjust the seatbelt length, and loop it through the seat. I was trying to make the seat tight, so this took several iterations. I was in the middle of looping it through a second time when the driver puts his hand on the buckle and tries to help by pulling it away from me. Barely holding my temper in check, I took it back and said in Thai that I'd do it myself.

I've had a couple of Thai people do this before, try to help by taking something I was working on out of my hand. Now, I understand that they were trying to help, but it really boils my blood. The message I hear when someone pulls something out of my hands is "hey dumb f'er, let me do this for you. "

When we picked Tim up, we moved the car seat and I had to reattach it. I was standing in the van working on the seat, when the driver started pulling out of the parking spot. I said "stop" in English, and Tim said "wait" in Thai. He kept going. I'm not ashamed to say that I gained enormous satisfaction from what occurred next. While Tim said "wait" again louder, I bellowed in a deep and loud voice "stop" again in English. Now, I cannot say for certain whose words caused him to stop the van. Perhaps he heard Tim the second time. Maybe it took ten or fifteen seconds for the first instruction to sink through.

I would like to believe, however, that my yell transcended the language barrier. Could the fury and volume of my voice have conveyed instant understanding? Perhaps not, but it felt very good.

Yelling is so un-Thai. Thai's like to keep a smiling face even when they are unhappy. Most Thai's abhor confrontation and like to pretend nothing is wrong, even when there is an obvious problem. More on that at another time.

Have a Holly Jolly Loy Katong

Today Thai's celebrated Loy Katong. Loy Katong is the celebration in honor of the river goddess. It takes place on the full moon on the 12th month in the traditional Thai calendar. This is typically in November.

Thai's make katongs, small plate sized rafts fashioned out of out of bannana tree trunks and decorated with flowers, candles and incense. They light the candles and incense, place the float in the river, and usually make a wish (or in the case of one of my nieces, five wishes). Fireworks are also part of the ceremony.

Jacob and Nalin made katongs in school. A Thai parent in each of their class came and helped them. Tim, Aleena and myself bought our katongs.

We went to Top and Tham's condo which is on the river. We had an uninspired buffet dinner, and the kids played with their cousins. About 8:30 p.m., we placed our katongs in the rivers. We then watched a fireworks show a little ways down river.

I must confess that I failed to make a wish. When the kids talked about making wishes, I remember fondly what my father said about wishes. Dad said to "shit in one hand and wish in the other. See which gets filled first."

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was a nice but rather quiet affair this year. The kids had school during the day, and Tim ended up working very late.

I really didn't know if I wanted to have a traditional Thanksgiving dinner. The supermarket near the house sold turkeys, but it would be a lot of effort to cook a turkey, and frankly, not a lot of it would be eaten. There were no instant pumpkin pie deserts available in the grocery, so the only way to get one would be to make one from scratch. And while I haven't mixed the sugar and salt when baking since I was a teen, the prospect of making a pie wasn't very appealing.

So we ended up with that resembled a Thanksgiving dinner if one did not stare too hard, and was well received by the kids. Tim had the driver pick up a couple of roasted chickens. The chickens were a lot less expensive, already prepared, and were very tasty. One of the wonders of Thailand is that most places will deliver, and the restaurant founded by the famous colonel from the blue grass state is no exception. Three tubs of mash potatoes arrived at our door thirty minutes after I called. I fixed some Stovetop stuffing, a no-bake cheesecake, and a brownie from a box. We added some fruit to the equation and we had our meal. I had intended to go to the market and pick up some corn on the cobb, but ended up forgetting.

Overall the meal was a success. Not surpringly, the deserts are gone, but we still have left over chicken. In typical American fashion, I made a sandwich with some of the leftover meat today for lunch.

In the evening, we called the grandparents to wish them a happy Thanksgiving. The kids always enjoy talking to grandma and grandpa, although Aleena usually doesn't say too much. I stay close when she is on the phone, because she had a tendancy to put the phone down and walk away when I used to call from Columbus.

Funny characters

I'm trying to figure out why my " and ' are coming across as strange symbols. I've noticed it for a while, and Dave asked me about it recently.

Freezing My Butt off In Bangkok

Yesterday we took the kids to Dreamworld, an amusement park in Thailand. Dreamworld is certainly not going to replace the Disney theme parks as the destination of choice for riding seeking children the world through, but it was still a lot of fun.

My wife took the kids to Dreamworld last year, and said it had been a bit dingy and in disrepair. We were impressed with the changes we saw. The park was free of liter, and many of the attractions had been repainted and repaired. It looked like solid mid-level amusement park in the U.S.

The weather was great for our day out. The temperature was in the mid-80’s, but with the constant breeze, it seemed very comfortable. It was nice to go on a Tuesday (kids were off school) because it was not crowded in the least.

My pleasure with the weather and crowd was outstripped by my delight with the kids. Not only did they have a great time, but they behaved very well. At one point, Jacob, Nalin, Tim and I were going to ride a rollercoaster which Aleena was too small to ride. Aleena ran from the nanny to her mom in line, crying that she wanted mommy. Nalin, volunteered to sit out so that Tim could stay with Aleena.

The have a place in the park called Snow Town. It is in a gigantic freezer the size of a an elementary gymnasium. The temperature is -5.5 C, and they have set up Christmas decorations. There is ice all over the room. The highlight, however, is an ice hill where you can sled ride. That is right, I went sled riding in Bangkok yesterday. Tim brought the kids coats, and they provide you with a thin jacket and rubber boots. Still, we only stayed in there thirty minutes, as we were wearing shorts. It was funny to see the nanny react, as she had never experiences such cold in her life.

Most of the rides are geared towards the kids. There were a couple of rides that were aimed only at adults, but those were by far the minority.

I was interested in seeing that Dreamworld used some famous characters and music throughout the park. They had a roller coaster called Space Mountain, and you could hear the Star Wars theme song playing in the background. There was a superman statue that you could pose with, as well as a few Disney related references. I’m not certain whether they paid to use these copyrighted materials, but if they operate like many things in Thailand, then perhaps they did not.

Thailand Number Two

Traditional bathrooms in Thailand are quite different from those to which Western tourists and residents are accustomed. Although they continue to grow in popularity, the traditional porcelain throne and toilet paper that grace American restrooms are not traditional staples in Thai bathrooms.

A "traditional" Thai bathroom stall has a porcelain bowl that rises several inches from the floor. The bowl is oval, and the sides are wider and grooved. Instead of sitting on the bowl, the "user" places their feet on the sides of the bowl and squats.

After vacating their bowels, users traditionally did not clean themselves with toilet paper. Each bathroom would have a bucket of water. Bathroom patrons would clean themselves using the water and their hands.

One challenge for novice porcelain bowl users like me is learning the proper squatting technique. The first time I tried squatting, I actually kept my feet in front of the bowl. I quickly found that my legs grew tired.

My other concern was ensuring that the contents of my bowels ended up in the bowl and not my underwear. As I have not yet mastered the squat, I have sometimes taken off my underwear and shorts and held them while I perform my duty. An issue with this is that Thai bathroom floors are often very wet, so you have to be very careful avoid getting your pants wet.
Certainly Thai bathrooms present more of a challenge for women. A friend of mine from the states explained to me the difficulty in peeing into a porcelain bowl without splashing one's shoes and ankles. My wife, however, explained to me that there is an aiming technique to avoid this undesirable result. I did not ask her for a demonstration, but as I have never noticed her to have wet ankles, I can only assume that she is correct.

Fortunately, I have never had to clean myself without the benefit of toilet paper. Perhaps this Thai tradition of cleaning oneself with water and a hand is related to the fact that they wai instead of shaking hands. I certainly wouldn't want to shake hands with a person who recently used his hand to wipe himself. And while I understand that traditionally one would wipe with one's left hand, if you've ever seen a child's basketball game, you know that some people just can't go to their left.

Interestingly, some bathrooms in Thailand that do have toilet paper do not have it in the individual stalls. Instead, there is a large roll of toilet paper as you enter the restroom. You take what you need before entering the stall. The issue that this presents is that if you are not used to that arrangement, that you might forget and not realize it until you've made your deposit. That is certainly not an enviable position.

Another thing I've noticed about Thai bathrooms is that most don't have paper towels. Some have the electronic dryers, while some don't have anything to dry with except the common toilet paper roll. Personally, I find drying my hands with toilet paper a bad option, as it tends to dissolve when wet. In a pinch, I am wont to use the inside of my pockets to dry my hands.
So what do you do when you come and visit Thailand and the "spirit moves you"? First, don't panic. Western style bathrooms are growing more and more popular, and are found in most tourist places. There is a very good chance that you won't have any issues. The more “touristy” an area, the more likely you will find a porcelain seat. Secondly, before entering any stall, make sure it has toilet paper in it. If not, be sure to look outside the stall to see if you can find any there. Thirdly, unless you yearn for that Thai experience of cleaning with water, bring a small pack of tissues with you when you go out. The packs are small and can fit easily in a pocket or purse.

My final tip is more of a preventative measure. I would advise you to be careful what you eat. You should certainly enjoy the wide variety of food while you are here. There are things that you can taste here that you won't get in the states, some of which is very delicious. However, if you know that your stomach reacts harshly to spicy food, or dairy goes right through you, you might not want to pig out on the spiciest of curries or drink a milkshake fifteen minutes before going out. Learning to squat while incurring Montezuma's wrath might make your trip memorable, but probably not in a pleasant way.